Letting People Help During Grief

[elisem]

(So for those of you who don't know, my father died one week ago today. We had a complicated relationship full of difficult situations, but I sang one of his favorite songs to him a week ago Sunday night, and he passed the next morning, Monday the 16th. Anyhow. I have been talking with a couple of folks about funeral and grief customs, and how I am in much more of a slough of grief than I expected, and how it's hard to be vulnerable but I could maybe let people be kind, and let them know they can help, and that it does help. So I said I would make this post.)

Hi, I am vulnerable and I am not comfortable being vulnerable or letting people help sometimes, but here I am trying my best.

If people would like to send me good wishes, condolences, kind words, that can be done here. (Thank you!)

If you want a snail address to mail something to, I can give you that, or probably jenett can.

If you want to bring me a hotdish I love you. (If you want to send a virtual hotdish, one friend agreed that this is why Zingerman's and Goldbelly make gift cards; if you want to send a closer-to-home virtual hotdish, Lunds & Byerly's also makes gift cards.)

If you want to send me completely unrelated and wonderfully distracting book recommendations, those are gladly and gratefully accepted.

If you want to do something just good in general, if you know anyone whose relationship with their parents is or was rather fraught, check in on them and send a good word their way.

I'm kind of a mess right now, and I expect I will be kind of a mess until the funeral on January 30 and probably afterwards for a while. My sister continues to be a hero, as do her husband Curtis and Penny the Wonder Corgi. My deepest thanks to everybody who has already checked in, waved hello, sent love, and/or sent good distracting/comforting links.

Comments

[oursin]

Sending condolences and good thoughts.

[china_shop]

I'm so sorry for your loss, with all its attendant complicated feelings. That's so hard.

[gwynnega]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief can be so hard and exhausting.

[sovay]

I am sorry for your loss. Even without additional complications, I have never known grief to be easy. *hugs* if useful.

[jenett]

As always much love.

And yes, for anyone reading htis, if you want to coordinate something for Elise and don't want to ask Elise directly, feel free to PM me, or you can email jenettsilver at gmail dot com.

[readinggeek451]

Losing parents is so hard. Hang in there.

[ursa_cerulean]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[sartorias]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[naomikritzer]

Elise, I am so sorry for your loss.

I have some book recs but you may have already read them -- I recently picked up Ursula Vernon's Paladin series (which she wrote as T. Kingfisher) and they sucked me in SO FAST (the "startup" part of reading books is the thing that gets the hardest for me under stress) and I liked the characters SO MUCH and in particular, the perfume maker in the first one (Paladin's Grace) seemed like a character you would deeply like. (But also the Temple of the White Rat in general, and its coterie of "solicitors sacrosanct," because the Rat believes that anyone accused of a crime should have a defense...)

[athenais]

I sent you a gift card. Much love in this time of sorrow, dear heart.

[firecat]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For distracting books, I quite like the fantasy series Innkeeper Chronicles by co-writing team Ilona Andrews. Or Entangled Life by Merlin Sheldrake (about fungi).

[ckd]

Sent you a gift card, with much love. Unfortunately hugs are difficult to ship, but I'm also sending some for future collection. Thinking of you.

[queenbookwench]

Oh, Elise, I’m so sorry. I’m glad there was music at the end.

As for immersive and distracting book recommendations, may I suggest the works of Victoria Goddard? There is a whole flowchart of where to start with her books but I’d suggest Hands of the Emperor, otherwise known as “Universal Basic Income? In my high fantasy? It’s more likely than you think!”

[vass]

May you find comfort. And thank you for this post: it's a very loving thing, in the middle of your grief, to show other people how they can help.

grief sucks

[siriosa]

and letting ppl help is a kindness. i salute you for offering this kindness.

holding you in the light. i stand with you in your grief.

[edschweppe]

Slightly belated condolences and *hugs*.

[edschweppe]

+1 (or really plus-one-million) to the various Paladin books by T. Kingfisher, aka Ursula Vernon, with plus-plus-plus-a-zillion for the Temple of the White Rat ...

[filkerdave]

May his memory be for a blessing

warmest wishes

[(Anonymous)]

Thinking of you as you go through this. Grief is hard and messy and whatever you feel is right.

Distraction: thanks so much for recommending Celia Lake books, I love them.

best,
Virginia

[kaberett]

I hope that his memory can be for you, howsoever complicated and bitter/sweet, a blessing.

[carbonel]

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that, however complicated the feelings are, that his memory can be a blessing.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

>>So for those of you who don't know, my father died one week ago today. <<

My sympathies.

>>We had a complicated relationship full of difficult situations<<

That often makes it harder, and is likely why you feel worse than expected. When it's a clean love or hate, it's simpler to process. Complicated relationships, you have to do a lot more sorting. :/

>>If you want to send me completely unrelated and wonderfully distracting book recommendations, those are gladly and gratefully accepted.<<

If you like fairytales, the Elemental Masters series by Mercedes Lackey is good reading that doesn't require too much brain because you already know the stories.

For something chunkier, A Terrible Fall of Angels by Laurell K. Hamilton has some very interesting heaven and hell motifs.
https://www.amazon.com/A-Terrible-Fall-of-Angels/dp/B091FTKXMX
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FK7512J

Or there's always Listopia's heap of gentle reading:
https://www.goodreads.com/list/tag/gentle


There's a whole bunch of fibercraft videos on YouTube that are soothing to watch. I like the ones of making rolags, art batts, or spinning. For when you just want to stare at something pretty for a while.

Do not watch with mouth full.
Cats vs. Christmas 2022

Cats Who Immediately Regretted Their Poor Life Decisions

Meeping Otters


Do what you can to take care of yourself. Mood-boosting foods and beverages can help. Sometimes you just want to cuddle a cup of tea and not do stuff for a while.

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/diet-nutrition/g25017676/foods-improve-mood/

https://www.swansonvitamins.com/blog/articles/12-best-herbal-teas-for-wellness-energy-sleep-calm-and-digestion.html


Finally, pay some attention to the grief and think about how you're processing it. With a complicated situation, it might take extra effort, but you'll get through it.

Dealing with Grief

Grief Questionnaire


I hope this helps.

[laurel]

Oh Elise, I'm so very sorry for your loss. These things are hard, no matter the relationship or circumstances, best I can tell. I'm told it gets better, but I'm sure mileage varies on how it all works.

Had I the funds I'd throw some gift cards your way; it meant a lot to me when a couple people did that after my mom died last year. And it really did get me thinking about how different rituals around grief are these days and/or in a pandemic. That gift cards for restaurant food delivery or grocery delivery or even to, like, Target or Amazon can be much like the hotdishes of yore. Perhaps not as warm? But I honestly don't mind. Don't find it inferior at all. There's a convenience and choice factor there that is pretty cool, if you follow me. And of course people can send them from any distance. So cool.

I am happy to talk TV or fic recs pretty much any time or chatter away on any number of topics on Twitter or Discord or wherever else one might chat, should the spirit move you. I thought I remembered a tweet where you mentioned the Infinite Coffee Protection Detail series but I'm not finding it now but that's one of my faves and if you're interested in Stucky fic recs (or content warnings), I can throw some at you.

Also always happy to share fanvid recs. I like recs! I can throw distractions your way. Anyway. I may throw some recs your way so I'm warning you about that. <3

[sylvanwitch]

I’m so sorry for your loss and am sending you all the gentle, easy vibes for getting through tomorrow.

[coyotegoth]

All strength and grace to you and yours, Lioness.

[archangelbeth]

Many sympathies. I hope the world is gentle to you for some time to come.

If you want very unrelated fic rec: AO3, astolat, Transformers fic? Some are funny and some made me cry, and they are all quite good. (All I knew about the series, when I started, was commercials, really.) The first one has a lot of serious. The last one, I think, is very fluffy.

[starshadow]

My condolences on your loss. May his ancestors welcome him to the feasting halls.

Big hugs

[(Anonymous)]

So sorry for your loss. As someone who also had a very complex relationship with her parents I know what it is to mourn the person who is gone and the relationship that never was.

[redrose]

Sympathies.

[azurelunatic]

<3