The Parable of Jesus, Mary, and Martha Stewart Living

[elisem]

38 Now it came to pass as they went past the flea markets and the tag sales where the furniture that is old and made out of wood can be purchased for not too exorbitant sums, and past the stalls selling paint and wallpaper and all that is needful for the refurbishing of these items in cunning fashion (see article page 62), that he entered into a certain village which was the kind of place where antique linen tea towels are hung from the reproduction fixtures in the Italian-tiled kitchens, the sort of place where neighbors come calling on a lazy afternoon, and a certain woman named Martha received him into her home.

39 And she had a sister named Mary, and her sister did not subscribe to the magazines explaining how unique gift-wrappings could be made from vintage baking-powder biscuit tins, metal findings and craft glue, nor did she collect hand-carved wooden spoons, nor did she hand-mold butter or lay fieldstone walls with clever pockets for the planting of herbs, nay; but instead Mary did subscribe unto Smithsonian magazine, and Tikkun, and Maledicta, and unto the Kenyon Review, and she sat at Jesus' feet and heard his word, occasionally raising an obscure point regarding John of the Cross, Hildegard of Bingen, or Matthew Fox.

40 But Martha, in her featherstitched blouse handmade from vintage 1940s bridge party napkins and her cut-glass and Bakelite casual tiara (see page 256 for shopping information) was cumbered about much serving, for a dinner party for sixteen does not just materialize out of thin air, and she came unto him and said, "Lord, dost Thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? Is it not bad enough that she does not care to wear her matching apron which I have stitched for her from antique flour sacks and hand-stenciled with images of artichokes and brook trout and trimmed with shirred organdy ribbons? And now she will not help me, nay, neither with the chopping of the imported white figs, nor with the dredging of the basil-walnut croutons in diverse herbs, no, nor with the stirring of the honey-brandy glaze nor with the cleaning of the ducks nor the basting and roasting thereof. And furthermore I have sixteen place-mats of vintage linoleum to cut, trim, and set before dinner. Bid her therefore that she help me."

41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, "Martha, Martha, thou readest too many magazines with the glossy pages. Thou art careful and troubled about many things, so much so that not even a collection of hand-mixed bath salts scented with herbs from the garden and tucked into a willow basket with a natural loofah and an assortment of sponges, the whole wrapped in paper stamped with the imprints of oak leaves and acorns (cut stamps from potatoes and stamp on with Swiss poster paints; details page 71) can soothe your spirit. In short, Martha, thou art stressed to the max.

42 "But there is one thing needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

42.5 And Martha did turn on her heel and stomp in a charming fashion all the way back to the kitchen, where she muttered as she rolled out dough (6 cups all-purpose flour, 1 tsp. baking soda, 2 sticks sweet butter, 1 cup Demerara sugar, spices to taste, 2 large eggs, 1 1/2 cups molasses, candied ginger) and arranged garlands of bay and rosemary around the water glasses, and she did ponder the words of the Lord in her heart while she made blue corn and cumin fritters and anisette soufflé. (Recipes on page 187.)

Here endeth today's text.

"The Parable of Jesus, Mary, and Martha Stewart Living" is copyright Elise Matthesen; that's me, and all rights are mine, mine, MINE. Mwa-ha-ha! (Oops. Sorry. Got a little carried away there.) It's OK with me if you make one copy to mail to a friend, as long as this notice is included, but please ask permission before reposting elsewhere or publishing it in a newsletter or a list. I usually say yes if people ask, and I really like knowing how far it propagates. If you do repost it or send it to anyone, please keep this notice with it, so people down the line can contact me for permissions at elise@lioness.net  lionesselise@gmail.com  - thanks! Link to it if you like; that's fine by me. Enjoy. And best wishes for a reduced-stress winter holiday season -- or summer holiday season, if you're one of my southern hemisphere friends/readers.

Comments

[treacle-well.livejournal.com]

Oh my! That is brilliant! Brilliant!

Swoon.

[mishalak.livejournal.com]

What she said! I might have to dig up The Book of Mishalak (which was not written by me) in response.

[to-eat-flowers.livejournal.com]

Thank you for much needed giggles. This is too good.

You're missing a not though, somewhere in "so much so that even a collection of hand-mixed bath [...]can soothe your spirit."

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Whoops! Thanks. Fixed now.

[wild-irises.livejournal.com]

You are so f*cking cool!

[elisem.livejournal.com]

No, we are so f*cking cool. Ahem.

signed,
grinning Lioness

[submarine-bells.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's wonderful! *applause*

[enegim.livejournal.com]

*choke* *splutter* Thank you; that's one of the funniest things I have ever seen. (And thanks to wild_irises for pointing to it.)

[marykaykare.livejournal.com]

Well written and amusing, but, you know, I'm getting the least little bit tired of the Martha is useless meme. Yes, she's a minutia obsessed, overdriven control freak, but part of what her message is about is making your life, and that of those about you, pleasant and comfortable. I read her magazine and own a number of her books. I'm not very creative so I take her ideas, use what of them I can, and let the rest go. Some of her recipes are stellar.

She's the excessive, hyper-trophied case for sure, but that doesn't mean everything about her is no good. Even she admits that expecting everyone to do everything she talks about is ludicrous.

Okay, climbing down off soapbox now.

MKK

[elisem.livejournal.com]

It's a good soapbox, though. I've got a whole bunch of her magazines, though no books (that I know of -- it's possible the piles of stuff-to-be-sorted may surprise me by emitting some), and I like fiddling with some of the projects. And yes, I agree with you that "part of what her message is about is making your life, and that of those about you, pleasant and comfortable"; it's pretty much the "minutia obsessed, overdriven control freak" aspect of it that I giggle about sometimes, or that my family makes jokes about in regards to me sometimes. The thing about it is, though, that it is precisely the good parts of her message that seem to me to be at the heart of that particular Bible story I'm riffing on. Mary was doing housework, plus taking care of a lot of guests (and I suspect the disciples ate like a herd of something-or-others; possibly a herd of authors, musicians, or other artists), and she really was bummed and upset at not having help. It's not a comfortable story for me; I doubt that anybody cooked their own food or made their own bed or took care of the guesting duties along with Martha, and knowing that they also probably pitied her a little and put her down in their minds bothers me. Did they think more highly of Mary, because of her choice? What would have happened if Martha would have sat down there and listened too? What if Martha liked doing the household and guesting stuff, but didn't like being the only horse in harness on a wagon carrying so many people?

These are the kinds of things I think about. I suspect the story was a way of trying to get at it from another angle. (I say "I suspect," because although I am the author, I am not sure of what it was exactly. Except something that needed to be writ. It wouldn't leave me alone until I did.)

By the way, have you seen the Gothic Martha Stewart (http://www.toreadors.com/martha/) site? They bill it as "DIY home decor for the morbidly inclined," and point out that simply changing the colors of most projects to black (and/or red) makes them perfectly lovely goth decor projects.

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

I like it a lot.

[sraun]

{chortle, chortle}

[javamaven1.livejournal.com]

This was linked by one of my friends on my LJ.

This is hilarious! I've always been a Martha fan, and as a catering chef, I can understand where she's coming from, especially on issues having to do with food.

Thanks for the laugh I needed today.

[neonnurse.livejournal.com]

I didn't really follow Martha much, so I have nothing to base my opinion of her on but the media dandruff that accrues on the shoulders of one's consciousness about anyone REALLY famous. It seems to me that a lot of the resentment about her happens because her message SEEMS to be (not that I am saying it IS, notice) "way too much is just barely adequate, and if you can't keep up with me, you're a slacker and a loser."

So what's the real deal here with Mary and Martha? That old sister competitiveness still lingering on, with one becoming the I-Have-To-Do-EVERYTHING-Around-Here Martyr, and the other taking on the crown of Queen of the Passive-Aggressives? On the one hand, sure, it would be fair for Mary to do half the work. BUT need she do half of everything *Martha* thinks MUST be done? I can't see that....

[elisem.livejournal.com]

The noise you hear, or the glow you see, is the author reading that second paragraph and grinning mightily. Exactly so.

[firecat]

I love it!

And it reminds me of how you said, a long time ago (around alt.polycon one) that you were a secret admirer of Martha Stewart (only you said it more cleverly, but I can't remember exactly how).

So I read it as the kind of parody that a fan/admirer can do, not as a pure put-down.

I'm so ambivalent about Martha Stewart that I steal her magazines from doctors' offices, because I want to read them and don't want to be seen buying them. And yes, I'm aware of how silly that is.

[elisem.livejournal.com]

Ooh. Maybe I could lend you some of mine.

We could have a seekrit stash of guilty pleasure Martha Stewart magazines traveling around, in fact.

This idea has distinct charm. Also strangeness, which is also good. Wanna do it? I could mail some to you.

[badgerthorazine.livejournal.com]

oh, dear!! I loved it!!! *cackles* O'course, I'd be the Mary in the deal...of crafting things I know not a damn thing. (As is obvious from our chaotic mess of a condo. ;-) Although I do wish someone would sew me up some dementedly silly drapes sometime. Hello Kitty or space/glow-in-the-dark stuff. *cackles.

That was Mucho Enjoyable! Thanks for posting it! :-)

[nolly.livejournal.com]

Crafty types are messy too. Supplies and works in progress all over the place. Well, some crafty types, I mean.

[griffen.livejournal.com]

*laughs helplessly*

Oh, thank you. I needed to see that before bed. *snickers*

The Turtles

[(Anonymous)]

Very enjoyable! I have often thought about Martha and Mary, because my mother is sooo Martha! :o) But then I remember "To everything there is a season." There is a time for cooking and a time for sitting at the feet of your Lord, no?

Re: The Turtles

[(Anonymous)]

Yes! :)

[palinade.livejournal.com]

I thought the parable was hilarious!

And all those folks who "support" Martha need to get a sense of humor. Seriously, folks--all successful entrepeneurs and billionaires are ripe for the picking. It doesn't demean them--it's called PARODY.

And I think Martha Stewart has some wonderful ideas. And I think she's recycling ideas I was doing when I was in kindergarden. I mean, COME ON. Halloween masks made from paperplates--it's not what she makes, it's her presentation.

If Martha Stewart was more congenial or positive instead of obsessive compulsive, I think more people would like her. A lot of people may not like Madonna or Oprah or Donna Karan or Bobbi Brown (cosmetics) or Vera Wang but NONE of them are as nasty or negative as Martha Stewart. In fact, some of them are downright wonderful--driven, imaginative, sharp, crafty, etc. They are all talented women who have risen to the top of their chosen profession.

[satyrblade.livejournal.com]

Wonderful. :-)

And about Martha: the target she has painted on her back (see "Decorations," pps. 32-35) comes not from her industriousness (often performed by people on her payroll), imagination (often cribbed from other, uncredited sources), or tradition (shoved in every woman's face as the ultimate expression of success).

No, it comes from the hypocrisy of an obsessive corporate taskmaster pretending to be a humble homemaker... the kind you can be, too, if you just buy her products.

And, of course, the fact that so many people do just that.

- Le Satyr

Thanks to the women who have gone before me

[(Anonymous)]

I don't spend enough time on the PC to be a live journal user. But I was sent your story and it hit home as I am delivering invitations to our annual Thanksgiving meal. As i read the tale and the responses, I am reminded of my own priorities this season.

No matter how noble or humble your work- do it in love. I believe this is Jesus's message. And if you seek to guilt trip your sister into sharing your calling-- you err. Where Stewart seeks to pressure other women into following her path, she errs. Where I destroy my own ability to love those I invite to dinner because I want to it "perfect"-- I screw up. But where Stewart has opened the door for women like me to respect and use their gifts of hospitality and extraneous decoration to show others excessive love, I thank her.

It is confusing to be a woman. Apparently it has been confusing since at least AD 30. I am grateful to the women who have prepared my way and the men who respected them enough to teach them and to enoble their struggles in writing. Megan www.brightwell.org/counseling

[patgreene.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this. I thought it was a riot. I saw at the bottom that it's okay to link to it, so I plan to do just that : D

[halfmoon-mollie.livejournal.com]

Oh, oh, thank you for this. It's wonderfully funny!

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Ahahahahaha!

This is wonderful.

[aitchellsee.livejournal.com]

Oh yes! I think I missed this the first time around, so v. happy to have the chance to giggle over it now!

[namastenancy.livejournal.com]

I just found this and have sent it to my sister with your name on the bottom so that she knowns where it comes from (and can hunt you down. bahahahahah). No, seriously, she's a good Lutheran and I'm a painter/ calligrapher/ photographer so I found the story is both funny and insightful.

[crazysoph.livejournal.com]

Years later, the gift that keeps giving! So glad this is available to read!

Crazy(and has been both Mary and Martha, in both versions!!)Soph